At Capacity

May 25, 2020 marked one year since I had my miscarriage. The weeks leading up to it were heavy, remembering every day that I was pregnant a year ago. I felt it all.

May 25, 2020 is also the day that George Floyd was murdered by a white police officer. I came out of my own grief to read the news and see social media flooded with petitions and protests and the uprising.

I didn’t feel like I had capacity for it. I told my therapist that week that I didn’t have the capacity to do anti-racism work in the wake of my own grief, in this time of my life.

She challenged me.

She told me I always have capacity, but that I have to choose when and where to shift my capacity.

I have thought of this every day since then. I would always rather be busy than bored, so I fill every spare second of time and add projects whenever there is an ounce of space—like a vacuum.

So, I shifted. I dropped a couple work projects that have been taking up space and energy. I started my own education on anti-racism work, like I mentioned in last week’s post. I held and felt my own grief, then made space to hold the collective grief as well. I didn’t deny my own experience, rather tried to integrate it.

Maybe when we make space for collective grief, the Collective actually picks up some of our own. We all carry each other.

How have you shifted? What do you do when you feel like you’re at capacity? I realize my privilege in being able to shift. As a white person I have the privilege to not do the work of anti-racism. I have the option to turn away. I acknowledge that not everyone has that option. And we all have capacities. We all get to make some choice of where to shift our capacity.

What are you making space for right now? Is it doing this work too? Is it shifting to make time for yourself by asking your partner to watch the baby so you can take a bath? Is it intentionally sitting with your kid without multi-tasking on your phone? Maybe it’s turning off social media so you can write or journal or meditate or walk or just sit and stare at the sky.

When you feel like you’re at capacity, ask yourself:

Where can I shift?

What can I let go of?

What is the most important thing right now?

Make space for it.